Posts
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Grandma, Nana or Gram?
Sunday, December 12, 2010
I'm a Grandma!!
On December 3rd, I began a new, important role. My first grandchild, Quinn Anna Jean Haydt was born. How could so many hopes, dreams, prayers be contained in that fragile 6 lb. 6 oz. body? Although two weeks early, she is perfect. Long fingers and toes make us think she'll be tall and slim one day. The dusting of dark blonde hair and dark blue eyes give only clues as to her future coloring. She is familiar, as we have seen those delicate features on her ultrasounds. She has her Mommie's nose, and her Daddy's long fingers.
She spends most of her day sleeping, as her body grows and develops. But, when she is awake, she is alert and curious, as an amazing new world unfurls before her.
She was born two days after her Greatgrandmother Jean passed away, so it became a time of great joy mixed with sorrow.
I believe Jean nudged her, telling her to go into the world and bring joy to their family at a time when tears were filling the eyes of those who loved Grandma. I also believe Jean will watch over her, now, as she was unable to in life. The circle of life continues.
So a first Christmas stocking was sewn by me, with white fleece stars sewn against a red fleece background, as our little star leads us into the future.
She spends most of her day sleeping, as her body grows and develops. But, when she is awake, she is alert and curious, as an amazing new world unfurls before her.
She was born two days after her Greatgrandmother Jean passed away, so it became a time of great joy mixed with sorrow.
I believe Jean nudged her, telling her to go into the world and bring joy to their family at a time when tears were filling the eyes of those who loved Grandma. I also believe Jean will watch over her, now, as she was unable to in life. The circle of life continues.
So a first Christmas stocking was sewn by me, with white fleece stars sewn against a red fleece background, as our little star leads us into the future.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
The day after the baby shower
The diaper cakes were great, although they took hours to make (yes, I made all of them), the food was excellent (catered by my son-in-law, who graduated from the Culinary Institute of America), the crowd just right (including crawling, walking and too little to do either guests). The gifts were generous.
We had cupcakes instead of cake, and the strawberry shortcake ones were perfect (nope, we purchased them from a local lady who has a small business).
So, now, the countdown to the actual birth of my first grandchild. December 17th is two months away. Hope I get the quilt and christening gown finished!
We had cupcakes instead of cake, and the strawberry shortcake ones were perfect (nope, we purchased them from a local lady who has a small business).
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Remember when they were babies?
Remember when they were little, snug in our arms? They had that baby smell that was so sweet and tugged at your heart (okay, sometimes they didn't smell very sweet, but, I'm remembering the sweet smell right now), and you felt like you could and would fight to the death to protect them.
I remember the first time my youngest told me that I didn't need to walk her to the bus stop anymore. Her little face was earnest and confident as she explained to me that she could walk three doors down, cross one side street and wait for the bus with "the other big kids". So, with that determination to be independent, I would usher her out the front door, wave a casual goodbye and run to the side window of the house where I could see her at the bus stop. I tried to be discreet - no pressing of nose against the glass, although I muttered to myself as the other brats (I mean children, really I do), pushed each other to be "first" in line for the bus. My little girl would get in line (I never saw her shove anyone out of the way). Although, even at that point, I knew if someone was mean to her (or another child), she would plant those feet, give them her very direct, "I am totally not afraid of you" look and inform them that they needed to knock it off "NOW". Never mattered how much bigger they were. It always worked, too. Where does a child get that kind of inner strength (remember, I'm the mom huddling against the window, trying not fog the glass until she gets on the bus)?
Today I helped her carry her clean laundry and cooler packed with chili (it was her request for this home visit), to the car. She came back to the house to hug her dad, pet the cat. Then, firmly, but, lovingly she hugged me goodbye, and left me on the enclosed back porch. I couldn't follow her out to the driveway to wave goodbye, like last visit, so I stood at the window and watched her drive away (with seat belt on). It was just like the school bus stop - only harder. Oh, and by the way - she told me a year ago, that she knew that I watched her from the window. I guess she's not only taller than I am, but, more observant, too. I just hope the world she's out there conquering treats her right - or I will have to jump all over them.
She says it's weird coming home, "because home is still the same", but, "then I go back to campus, which is like a pseudo-home. Weird."
I've got news for her - home is not the same, when she's not here.
She still smells sweet, when I hug her tight.
This empty nest thing - don't have the hang of it, yet.
Cindi
I remember the first time my youngest told me that I didn't need to walk her to the bus stop anymore. Her little face was earnest and confident as she explained to me that she could walk three doors down, cross one side street and wait for the bus with "the other big kids". So, with that determination to be independent, I would usher her out the front door, wave a casual goodbye and run to the side window of the house where I could see her at the bus stop. I tried to be discreet - no pressing of nose against the glass, although I muttered to myself as the other brats (I mean children, really I do), pushed each other to be "first" in line for the bus. My little girl would get in line (I never saw her shove anyone out of the way). Although, even at that point, I knew if someone was mean to her (or another child), she would plant those feet, give them her very direct, "I am totally not afraid of you" look and inform them that they needed to knock it off "NOW". Never mattered how much bigger they were. It always worked, too. Where does a child get that kind of inner strength (remember, I'm the mom huddling against the window, trying not fog the glass until she gets on the bus)?
Today I helped her carry her clean laundry and cooler packed with chili (it was her request for this home visit), to the car. She came back to the house to hug her dad, pet the cat. Then, firmly, but, lovingly she hugged me goodbye, and left me on the enclosed back porch. I couldn't follow her out to the driveway to wave goodbye, like last visit, so I stood at the window and watched her drive away (with seat belt on). It was just like the school bus stop - only harder. Oh, and by the way - she told me a year ago, that she knew that I watched her from the window. I guess she's not only taller than I am, but, more observant, too. I just hope the world she's out there conquering treats her right - or I will have to jump all over them.
She says it's weird coming home, "because home is still the same", but, "then I go back to campus, which is like a pseudo-home. Weird."
I've got news for her - home is not the same, when she's not here.
She still smells sweet, when I hug her tight.
This empty nest thing - don't have the hang of it, yet.
Cindi
Monday, September 6, 2010
The once again empty nest
Well, DD has returned to college, and it was hard to say good-bye, but, dare I hope, a little easier? Not much, but, a little? I fussed over her, made her food, and felt like an active mom once again.
Then I got busy listing on Ebay, etc. trying to convince myself it was a regular day.
Oldest daughter came over with her husband, and we had a nice family dinner.
This gets easier, doesn't it? Eventually?
No whining, honest. But, a hollow feeling by my heart.
Then I got busy listing on Ebay, etc. trying to convince myself it was a regular day.
Oldest daughter came over with her husband, and we had a nice family dinner.
This gets easier, doesn't it? Eventually?
No whining, honest. But, a hollow feeling by my heart.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Back to "normal" for a couple of days
Youngest daughter is home for the holiday weekend. She seems to be coping okay with all the changes in her life, but, openly admitted that the homesickness has been worse than she expected. I told her that I had missed her, very much, but, that I'm happy she's going to a good school, making new friends, etc. So, we acknowledged how much this has changed our day-to-day lives, but, that we can cope and deal with the changes. Having said that, I wonder if this empty spot will be empty again come Monday. DD number 2, has advised me that I should call about once a week, during the week, just to let her know we're here. I admitted to her, that I always had trouble, when her sister and she left home, knowing what was too much, what wasn't enough. So, there we sat, having lunch, two women talking and sharing both sides of how it is when a beloved daughter leaves home.
I admit, with DD number 2, the teenage years (and even her early twenties), were bumpy. I never seemed to do anything right. But, now, that we have achieved a better balance, we are much closer, than we were for many years. I always call her my "porcupine child" as she difficult to reach at times, but, inside she is a very soft, loving person. She wanted to be a lawyer at one point in her college years, and she could debate anyone (and still can). I look forward to the challenges she will face in the future, as a parent. She's going to be much tougher to fool, than I ever was. But, I think she will find that fine balance, between being the "rules parent" and showing love.
All in all, I think my daughters are all impressive women.
Until later (MONDAY looms),
Cindi
I admit, with DD number 2, the teenage years (and even her early twenties), were bumpy. I never seemed to do anything right. But, now, that we have achieved a better balance, we are much closer, than we were for many years. I always call her my "porcupine child" as she difficult to reach at times, but, inside she is a very soft, loving person. She wanted to be a lawyer at one point in her college years, and she could debate anyone (and still can). I look forward to the challenges she will face in the future, as a parent. She's going to be much tougher to fool, than I ever was. But, I think she will find that fine balance, between being the "rules parent" and showing love.
All in all, I think my daughters are all impressive women.
Until later (MONDAY looms),
Cindi
Friday, September 3, 2010
Empty nester
We raised our children to be strong and independent. We told them they could be and do anything they worked and dreamed their way towards. They are all impressive, strong women. Women that I like and admire.
So how come, after all these years of love, worry, support, dreams, etc., it isn't easier to let go?
Youngest baby girl has started her life adventure as a full time college student, for her junior year, away from home. She's less than two hours away, but, there's this hole inside of me, the empty mom spot, for lack of something better.
We've spoken on the phone (which means I can still make mom noises about eating, etc.).
When she tells me she's homesick, I have to hold tight to the weak mom inside of me who wants to throw open her arms and say "Come HOME". Because, that isn't what she really needs. She needs to know I'm still here, that I will always be here. That home is not something that will ever end, as long as her dad and I exist, and then, it will still exist for her, in dreams and memories. That the roots she has are strong, no matter where she goes.
She has the soul of an artist, my baby girl, along with scientific curiosity that is as charming as it is intense. Her dad is a "why" person, as is she. I'd like to think her love of books comes from me, although she reads literature in such a matter-of-fact way, it is impressive. I am a reader who escapes into places I only wish existed, and yes, my favorite TV show will forever be Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
But, I digress. Which isn't surprising, since I've been unfocused all week. So, when your mom role changes, shouldn't there be a clear path through the empty nest? With the other two, I cleaned their rooms, first. Apparently, cleaning the first room and using it for other stuff, was not appreciated by my first little bird who left home. I didn't actually use it for much of anything, until she rarely came home for visits. Then, I confess, we used it for a guest who stayed with us for several months, and of course, storage. So with the second, I cleaned her room, rearranged the furniture, and it became a really nice guest room (until she wanted the bed for her first two bedroom apartment, so that she had a guest room). It then became my husband's computer room.. I did set up another guest room downstairs on a finished, enclosed porch, so that my mom had a place to sleep when she comes for a visit (she can't do stairs anymore).
This past weekend, after returning to an empty house littered with the debris of her leaving, I went up to her room, thinking I would clean it. But, instead, I closed the door. I couldn't deal with it. So, I read a really good book, cleaned stuff, listed collectibles on Ebay that I had forgotten I even had, so that someone else could actually enjoy them (after going through a display cabinet and a closet). I guess cleaning in some form is on my path, at least.
She's coming home for the Labor Day holiday weekend, so I've promised her her favorite casserole, a shopping trip for things she still needs. I guess, I'll keep trying to figure this out. Maybe I can even enjoy the fact that my third college student is on her way to the goal. Because, I am proud of her. I just miss her, and her place at home feels so empty.
So how come, after all these years of love, worry, support, dreams, etc., it isn't easier to let go?
Youngest baby girl has started her life adventure as a full time college student, for her junior year, away from home. She's less than two hours away, but, there's this hole inside of me, the empty mom spot, for lack of something better.
We've spoken on the phone (which means I can still make mom noises about eating, etc.).
When she tells me she's homesick, I have to hold tight to the weak mom inside of me who wants to throw open her arms and say "Come HOME". Because, that isn't what she really needs. She needs to know I'm still here, that I will always be here. That home is not something that will ever end, as long as her dad and I exist, and then, it will still exist for her, in dreams and memories. That the roots she has are strong, no matter where she goes.
She has the soul of an artist, my baby girl, along with scientific curiosity that is as charming as it is intense. Her dad is a "why" person, as is she. I'd like to think her love of books comes from me, although she reads literature in such a matter-of-fact way, it is impressive. I am a reader who escapes into places I only wish existed, and yes, my favorite TV show will forever be Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
But, I digress. Which isn't surprising, since I've been unfocused all week. So, when your mom role changes, shouldn't there be a clear path through the empty nest? With the other two, I cleaned their rooms, first. Apparently, cleaning the first room and using it for other stuff, was not appreciated by my first little bird who left home. I didn't actually use it for much of anything, until she rarely came home for visits. Then, I confess, we used it for a guest who stayed with us for several months, and of course, storage. So with the second, I cleaned her room, rearranged the furniture, and it became a really nice guest room (until she wanted the bed for her first two bedroom apartment, so that she had a guest room). It then became my husband's computer room.. I did set up another guest room downstairs on a finished, enclosed porch, so that my mom had a place to sleep when she comes for a visit (she can't do stairs anymore).
This past weekend, after returning to an empty house littered with the debris of her leaving, I went up to her room, thinking I would clean it. But, instead, I closed the door. I couldn't deal with it. So, I read a really good book, cleaned stuff, listed collectibles on Ebay that I had forgotten I even had, so that someone else could actually enjoy them (after going through a display cabinet and a closet). I guess cleaning in some form is on my path, at least.
She's coming home for the Labor Day holiday weekend, so I've promised her her favorite casserole, a shopping trip for things she still needs. I guess, I'll keep trying to figure this out. Maybe I can even enjoy the fact that my third college student is on her way to the goal. Because, I am proud of her. I just miss her, and her place at home feels so empty.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Organize your life 15 minutes at a time
http://www.flylady.net. is a website worth visiting. I am a pack rat from way back - yes, I think I know why, but, it still makes it hard to let go of STUFF. What if I need it? What if I might want it someday? What if I regret parting with it?
For me, it is easier if everything but junk goes to someone else. No wasting. Good for the planet and my karma. I really didn't need three artificial Christmas trees, nor the bags of extra sheets and pillowcases, or the multiple duplicates of sewing fabric that made a young lady learning to sew very happy, or prom dresses that my daughters had no use for - well, you get the idea. I've passed along barely worn winter coats, formal outfits that I have worn (maybe) once. I belong to an organization called freecycle that makes it pretty easy.
As for the 15 minutes at a time? Visit flylady and you'll understand. A timer can really be your friend. Because I've found that my life is less chaotic 15 minutes at a time. Less stuff, less procrastinating, less stress. Try it.
For me, it is easier if everything but junk goes to someone else. No wasting. Good for the planet and my karma. I really didn't need three artificial Christmas trees, nor the bags of extra sheets and pillowcases, or the multiple duplicates of sewing fabric that made a young lady learning to sew very happy, or prom dresses that my daughters had no use for - well, you get the idea. I've passed along barely worn winter coats, formal outfits that I have worn (maybe) once. I belong to an organization called freecycle that makes it pretty easy.
As for the 15 minutes at a time? Visit flylady and you'll understand. A timer can really be your friend. Because I've found that my life is less chaotic 15 minutes at a time. Less stuff, less procrastinating, less stress. Try it.
Monday, April 5, 2010
What if it were your last day?
The other day, watching the early days of spring (hurray sunshine!!), sipping my morning coffee on my patio, it suddenly struck me how bright the colors seemed, how sweet the smells. Having lost two friends to cancer in the last year (one last month), I think about that sometimes. If this were my last day, what would I regret? What would I be grateful for?
I think I would regret letting time slip away so quickly, without savoring each moment. So, I am trying to learn to savor - to sip the nectar of life as it comes my way.
I had such quiet joy, this past Saturday, as my two oldest daughters laughed over happy childhood memories. Then they talked about the fun times they had babysitting for their little sister while I was at work, marching and dancing through the house to their favorite songs, singing at the top of their lungs, because they could. My oldest stated that kids today are so "entertained" and "educated" that they don't always seem to have time for the expressions of imagination that she remembers having, playing dress up, having tea parties, reading, presenting a hand puppet play for their sister's one year birthday (they are 7 1/2 and 10 years older than her). They are both successful women, happily married and with busy, often hectic professional lives. Both college graduates, they gently (and not so gently) tease their "baby" sister as she finishes her second year of college, that she is such a "science nerd". That my baby just turned twenty and wants to be an environmental scientist is such an amazing thing - where did the time go?
But, those happy memories of their childhood? I guess I did some of the right things, and I'm glad I have memories of the many trips to the library, picnics in the park, crafts, tea parties, singing at the top of our lungs in the car - a moment to savor so many happy moments.
I think I would regret letting time slip away so quickly, without savoring each moment. So, I am trying to learn to savor - to sip the nectar of life as it comes my way.
I had such quiet joy, this past Saturday, as my two oldest daughters laughed over happy childhood memories. Then they talked about the fun times they had babysitting for their little sister while I was at work, marching and dancing through the house to their favorite songs, singing at the top of their lungs, because they could. My oldest stated that kids today are so "entertained" and "educated" that they don't always seem to have time for the expressions of imagination that she remembers having, playing dress up, having tea parties, reading, presenting a hand puppet play for their sister's one year birthday (they are 7 1/2 and 10 years older than her). They are both successful women, happily married and with busy, often hectic professional lives. Both college graduates, they gently (and not so gently) tease their "baby" sister as she finishes her second year of college, that she is such a "science nerd". That my baby just turned twenty and wants to be an environmental scientist is such an amazing thing - where did the time go?
But, those happy memories of their childhood? I guess I did some of the right things, and I'm glad I have memories of the many trips to the library, picnics in the park, crafts, tea parties, singing at the top of our lungs in the car - a moment to savor so many happy moments.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Spring Fever
Is spring almost here?! The snow is almost completely gone, the birds are coming back, and little green sprigs are pushing their way to the sun! I guess a few days in the fifties is enough to give anyone (especially in NE Pennsylvania) spring fever!
I went for my follow-up visit with my eye doctor. He said (drum roll please) that my vision hasn't been this good (probably) since I was ten years old. He even filled out a form to remove the "corrective lenses" from my driver's license, since he informed PennDot, on the form, that I now have 20/20 vision.
No wonder the world seems different somehow - brighter, crisper. What a great time of year to enjoy better vision.
I'm really looking forward to spring flowers!
Plus, I pulled into my driveway this past weekend, and was able to see (it was dusk) two plump mourning doves sitting on my clothesline over twenty feet away. They were pretty! Then, they flew into a tree a little later and sang to me.
It makes the occasional twinges, irritation, etc. easier to put up with as my left eye finishes healing.
Life can be pretty great, huh?!!
I went for my follow-up visit with my eye doctor. He said (drum roll please) that my vision hasn't been this good (probably) since I was ten years old. He even filled out a form to remove the "corrective lenses" from my driver's license, since he informed PennDot, on the form, that I now have 20/20 vision.
No wonder the world seems different somehow - brighter, crisper. What a great time of year to enjoy better vision.
I'm really looking forward to spring flowers!
Plus, I pulled into my driveway this past weekend, and was able to see (it was dusk) two plump mourning doves sitting on my clothesline over twenty feet away. They were pretty! Then, they flew into a tree a little later and sang to me.
It makes the occasional twinges, irritation, etc. easier to put up with as my left eye finishes healing.
Friday, February 26, 2010
The dreaded winter cold
Well, I was hoping for a winter without bronchitis, but, I now have a nasty cold migrating to my chest. YUCK! Throw in a nasty cough, a stuffy nose and TONS of snow, and you get the idea of what I'm feeling.
But, I worked all week (and tried to restrict coughing and sneezing to my tiny office). I went in to work today, because I knew, contagious or not, we would be short handed with the weather, so I worked my tail off. Such is a nurse's life. Now, lots of rest, liquids, and a call to the doctor if I'm not better by tomorrow.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Whiney Cats and Dreary Weather
I confess - due to assimilating pets that belong(ed) to older children, I now have 3 cats living at my house. One, a long haired beauty, my middle DD named Che Bella, lived with my daughter in Penn State until DD spent more time at her boyfriend's (now husband) apartment (no pets), and Che Bella was a) lonely, b) at the mercy of DD's roommates for food and litter box care c) spent two days up a tree before anyone could get her out. Of course, that meant my guilt-ridden DD brought her kitty home so that a) she wouldn't be lonely, b) get regular food and litter box maintenance, and c) remain house bound, as we do not allow kitties outside (at the mercy of cars that don't slow down on our busy street and dogs with big teeth). That does not mean Che Bella has never gotten out of the house - she has, but, fortunately the shaking of her food dish brings her right back in (except for the time she disappeared off the enclosed back porch for a week, another story - that ends well).
Willow (the possessed) was brought as a "gift" for me, from the same daughter. Interestingly, middle DD turned into a dog person as soon as she finished college and got married - sight.
Luna (also sometimes called "Lunatic") belongs to my youngest DD, who will leave her in our loving arms when she treks off to Kutztown in the fall. I think the dorms there need to really reconsider their "no pets with teeth" rule. After all, is it fair to have Luna only able to eat soft food for the rest of her life? Of course not, so Luna will be boarding with us, pending youngest DD's graduation.
Che Bella and Luna get along as well as most cats do (alternating chasing each other through the house like a herd of elephants and totally ignoring each other).
Willow, surprise, gets along with NO ONE except for the rubber band she can chase around for hours, and bubble wrap. Why bubble wrap? She likes to amuse herself by popping the air bubbles. Antisocial to the extreme, Willow only acknowledges the other cats when there is catnip involved (they knock the plastic container off the refrigerator, and then take turns rolling it around, trying to figure out how to open the lid without opposeable thumbs), or she attacks one of them, without provocation. Did I mention she's antisocial?
Luna has decided that she MUST sleep on the foot of my bed. I think it is the down comforter that she loves. That means that when our bedroom door is shut, she will hurl herself against the door until we open it, or she pops it open. Both are annoying, since she waits until we are snuggled under that comforter, almost asleep, to come to the door, and she won't shut it after opening it.
So today I have three cranky cats who cannot sunbathe on my windowsill because I obviously forgot to order sunlight today. Willow is perched on the back of the chair nearest our south facing window, determined that WHEN the sun finally comes out, she will be there. Che Bella keeps demanding to go on the enclosed back porch, because one of these times, she will able to see the sun out the french doors (her longest time spent out there on this chilly February day, was 5 and 1/2 seconds, before flinging herself at the door for reentry. Unless of course, I wait for her to come back in, so she sits down, waiting for the sun.).
Luna is alternating between provoking the other two cats and rearranging piles of paper I am sorting.
Sigh.
Willow (the possessed) was brought as a "gift" for me, from the same daughter. Interestingly, middle DD turned into a dog person as soon as she finished college and got married - sight.
Luna (also sometimes called "Lunatic") belongs to my youngest DD, who will leave her in our loving arms when she treks off to Kutztown in the fall. I think the dorms there need to really reconsider their "no pets with teeth" rule. After all, is it fair to have Luna only able to eat soft food for the rest of her life? Of course not, so Luna will be boarding with us, pending youngest DD's graduation.
Che Bella and Luna get along as well as most cats do (alternating chasing each other through the house like a herd of elephants and totally ignoring each other).
Willow, surprise, gets along with NO ONE except for the rubber band she can chase around for hours, and bubble wrap. Why bubble wrap? She likes to amuse herself by popping the air bubbles. Antisocial to the extreme, Willow only acknowledges the other cats when there is catnip involved (they knock the plastic container off the refrigerator, and then take turns rolling it around, trying to figure out how to open the lid without opposeable thumbs), or she attacks one of them, without provocation. Did I mention she's antisocial?
Luna has decided that she MUST sleep on the foot of my bed. I think it is the down comforter that she loves. That means that when our bedroom door is shut, she will hurl herself against the door until we open it, or she pops it open. Both are annoying, since she waits until we are snuggled under that comforter, almost asleep, to come to the door, and she won't shut it after opening it.
So today I have three cranky cats who cannot sunbathe on my windowsill because I obviously forgot to order sunlight today. Willow is perched on the back of the chair nearest our south facing window, determined that WHEN the sun finally comes out, she will be there. Che Bella keeps demanding to go on the enclosed back porch, because one of these times, she will able to see the sun out the french doors (her longest time spent out there on this chilly February day, was 5 and 1/2 seconds, before flinging herself at the door for reentry. Unless of course, I wait for her to come back in, so she sits down, waiting for the sun.).
Luna is alternating between provoking the other two cats and rearranging piles of paper I am sorting.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Soul mates and other random thoughts
What is a soul mate? When I married my husband, I could have told you many things - how he made me feel, the things he made me want, but, not about how he made my soul feel.
Years later, when we were at a dangerous crossroads in our marriage, I felt how empty my heart and soul felt without him. We found each other, and the way to go on those dark and dangerous roads. Each day since then, we have learned to speak from our inner selves, not just what the other might want to hear. Sure, sometimes my inner self is snarky (and bitchy), but, if only truth is spoken, not telling him what HE is doing wrong, but, how I feel (really feel, not the feelings of the scared little girl who is afraid of being unloved) when he upsets me (or puzzles me), he actually hears me. That honesty has carried us through financial trials, medical crises and into a warmer spot in our lives. I'm not perfect (I'm messy and creative, and a real pain sometimes, not to mention a huge clutterer), but, he loves me how I am, and because of that warm, safe feeling, of being loved no matter what, my soul feels connected to him in a way that I've only felt for my children, before we found our way. I don't know why we are two puzzle pieces that fit together and balance each other, but, we are, and I am grateful for it. Because that inner sense of feeling loved (passionately, enduringly and forever) it one that I've waited for my whole life. That is what makes him my soul mate.
Random thought: We never realize how sincere compliments (or at least compliments that sound sincere) can make someone feel, until it happens to us. Friday, a male co-worker asked very politely if he could pay me a compliment, without offending me. Of course this surprised me, because I like the "good job" compliments I get in my professional career. He went on to explain that this was a personal compliment, and he didn't want me to think he was out of line or harassing me. I responded (albeit in a very surprised voice) "sure, go ahead". He then said very sincerely, "I wanted to tell you how lovely you look without glasses." I thanked him (in a rather strangled tone), but, was smiling the rest of the day. I was never the "lovely" girl. With my straight nose, straighter hair, and the 13 schools I attended by high school, lecherous father (who flirted with my friends as they developed), my mother who had rules that never made sense (and changed in a heartbeat), the messiest house in town (my mother once washed a load of clothes with a mouse in them, after they sat on the basement floor for days - the mouse drowned and my mother had a huge debate with herself - and anyone who would listen - over whether those clothes REALLY needed to be rewashed - and although I'm sure anything she had in there for herself was rewashed, I never really knew what she did), I was never the cute, pretty or popular girl. I didn't go to prom. But, I was smart (yeah, that helped). So, "lovely"? It put a smile in my heart. Of course, my husband, when I told him, said "of course", my daughters (and a trusted female co-worker) all said "I told you that you look different without glasses". Hmmm - who would have thought that in my fifties, I would suddenly get such a nice compliment. I know, I always look for a kind word to share with co-workers and elderly patients. I guess I just didn't know how light my step would feel, on the receiving end of one.
Years later, when we were at a dangerous crossroads in our marriage, I felt how empty my heart and soul felt without him. We found each other, and the way to go on those dark and dangerous roads. Each day since then, we have learned to speak from our inner selves, not just what the other might want to hear. Sure, sometimes my inner self is snarky (and bitchy), but, if only truth is spoken, not telling him what HE is doing wrong, but, how I feel (really feel, not the feelings of the scared little girl who is afraid of being unloved) when he upsets me (or puzzles me), he actually hears me. That honesty has carried us through financial trials, medical crises and into a warmer spot in our lives. I'm not perfect (I'm messy and creative, and a real pain sometimes, not to mention a huge clutterer), but, he loves me how I am, and because of that warm, safe feeling, of being loved no matter what, my soul feels connected to him in a way that I've only felt for my children, before we found our way. I don't know why we are two puzzle pieces that fit together and balance each other, but, we are, and I am grateful for it. Because that inner sense of feeling loved (passionately, enduringly and forever) it one that I've waited for my whole life. That is what makes him my soul mate.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Willow the possessed cat
I have tried to be a good "owner". The last time I tried to load her into her carrier for a trip to the groomer, all legs projected stiffly out to the sides of her body as she physically made herself too large for the opening. If I hadn't been so irritated that she was being difficult, the laughter would have started much sooner. When I finally realized that there was no earthly way to wedge her splayed body into the carrier, she decided to push it up a notch by knocking the metal door off the carrier. That, and the yowling was enough to make any sane person a) swear, b) cry, or (in my case) laugh, giggle and otherwise be so amused by the situation that I then made the foolish move of loosening my grip on her. That was all she needed, as she rocketed away to some dark hiding place where she could hack up another hairball as she decided what my punishment would be (a hint: my bedroom door now is SHUT at night). But, sigh, that is yet another story.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Okay so sometimes life sucks
Dealing with the government, taxes, etc., is a headache.
That said, after getting some not great news about my taxes, I decided to - make paperdolls/bookmarks!!
Sometimes you just have to play.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
HD in both eyes
Well, just over a week post op, and I now have HD in both eyes! Hurray for modern methods! Both eyes are still "picky", but, the specialist says that will go away in the next month or so. My co-workers claim I look "10 years younger". Okay, but, without the glasses, now I see the crows feet more clearly! Ah well, vision is more important. Once I heal completely, I can wear eye makeup again. In a month I will see the doctor to see what, if any correction I need (besides the close work), maybe something cute and trendy for my reading?
Chocolate covered strawberries and lots of love this Valentine's. Who could ask for more?
Chocolate covered strawberries and lots of love this Valentine's. Who could ask for more?
Friday, February 5, 2010
One day after cataract surgery
Well, this surgery seems to have been less stressful than the first. Less swelling, less pain. I saw the doctor for my one day check up and I already have 20/25 vision and they expect 20/20 when it's healed. I now have almost as good sight in my left eye as my right eye, and am only using glasses for close work (like reading and the computer). I took a few more days off from work this time, as it was really tiring, going back to work last time after just a couple of days off.
My daughter stopped by this afternoon after some business meetings she had to attend. She was given a huge promotion at work, and now is the director where she works. This is after three months on this job! Good job kiddo! (Aren't you glad you glad you went to college my Mom voice whispers). She had an excellent
"headhunter" job after graduating from Penn State, but, when the economy was going down, her company downsized and she was unemployed (for less than a month). Okay my Mom bragging is done, but, I am so PROUD of my daughters. They are smart and pursue their dreams.
Well, I will post again (time to rest my eyes a bit). I'm trying to imagine not having to wear glasses except for the close work. Will I become one of those ladies who leave pairs of glasses all over the place, forgetting where they left them? Stay tuned. (No that isn't me in the picture, but, thought it was sweet.)
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I saw my first hockey game!
I won tickets recently for a Penguin's hockey game (they were playing Hershey). Not only was it my first game ever, but, the tickets were for a private box so I truly had a bird's eye view of everything. The players are amazingly graceful on the ice, flying forwards, sideways, backwards FAST! Course the crowds loved the fights, too - I didn't know guys actually fought like that - looking like boxers, as they jab at each other. Of course the fighters get "time outs" aka penalties. It was fun, fast and furious, and even for someone like me, with little knowledge about the game, it was one of those things I really enjoyed, surprising myself!
I guess we all need to try something at least once. I don't want to reach the end of my life regretting that I never tried something (although deep sea diving and sky diving probably won't make the regret list).
I'm grateful for the life I have - I always have enough, I have a wonderful husband, I have a great family, a roof over my head, nice clothes to wear, a car to drive, good health, and a career.
Pondering in my quiet moments, some of the things I've always wanted:
to write - if I write and no one reads it, does it count?
to create beauty - some of my crafting has yielded lovely results, and my children (okay, adult children) are beautiful, talented and smart
to have a peaceful life - my childhood was chaos, but, I like my life now (even when it gets crazy)
to be loved - I am.
to be thinner - I don't know if I ever will be, but, I'm always working on being healthy
to be patient- always working on that, and am often told that I am
to be kind - I think I'm pretty good at that. My job evaluation actually said that I am "compassionate". I like that.
to be a teacher - well, I became a nurse, and surprisingly teaching - patient teaching, family teaching, staff teaching - is a huge part of who I am and what I do.
Life is pretty great, isn't it?
And hockey - well that was pretty cool, and I had fun!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Is it a full moon?
A hectic, crazy week. Too much adrenaline - I am not one to enjoy multiple episodes of it. It is a help when you need it, but, boy do you drag afterward.
I want a good night's sleep, a peaceful work day or two, lots of cuddling with my husband, and did mention a really good night's sleep.
My eye surgery is in a week and I am also "preparing" for the 2nd surgery. Ahh. Did I mention sleep?
Well, no more whining - say hi to Dexter, a good little buddy who has unlimited patience and lots of kisses.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Sometimes a virus isn't on the computer
Well, healthy as I tend to be, I picked up a virus this week, that knocked me out of my usual routine - uggh!
So I am snuggled under my down comforter, a fleece shawl I made around my shoulders, and my laptop keeping me connected to the outside world. No coffee today, just a cup of tea. My stomach said "thank you".
I'm setting up a project in my head, that has been going off track every time I make some inroads. It involves less clutter in my life, a bedroom crammed with STUFF, and the vintage joy I want that room to become. My bits and pieces need a better home! I've removed tons of stuff to donate, sell, and give away over the last year. I even got it neat enough at one point that I stretched out with my collected pillows and dolls and slept there when my husband's snoring was keeping me awake one night.
I think, because it is the direct path to the attic (the closet with the folding stairs are is in that room), the various odds and ends always seem to end there.
Well, I've decided that the only viable option is to remove everything from the room, only keep the important stuff (like the previously mentioned pillows and dolls), and toss, recycle, donate, etc. all the rest. Then, with my precious bits and pieces safely boxed (and labeled), the old, stained carpet will be ripped up and removed, the walls will be repaired (my middle daughter had tons of posters, etc. and also repainted it a different color without taking very much down -yucky once the stuff was taken down by me). The only items to definitely stay (aside from the mentioned bits and pieces) will be the daybed (once belonged to my oldest daughter) which has a great mattress and that I painted an interesting shade of fuchsia a few years ago, the shelves I put in and probably the dressing table and craft table I have in there. Undecided about the dresser that's in there. Well, anyway, that's what I organizing in my head. Colors? Well, even with only one window, it's sunny, so I'm not sure which way I'm going with. Deep shades of rose, etc. swirl through my head. I always put paint samples on the wall to see it with the different types of light before I commit.
So, onward with planning.
Of course there is the second cataract surgery coming up soon. But, a girl can dream.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Motivation
What motivates us?
I work hard, try to accomplish things at home, but, it feels like a real EFFORT!
Cold weather? Burn out?
I love to create, yet I don't feel creative.
But, something tells me that I need to find a fresh way to do things.
I love my career (most of the time), and will try to keep sharing information about what I do professionally. But, if it is really my mother's face in the mirror, with my soul behind those eyes (one blurry, one clear), perhaps it is time to share more of ME.
What fires my soul?
Family - husband and children (okay, grown children).
Making a difference with kindness.
Reading good supernatural fiction (it's my weakness and I love a good read).
Creating something that fills my heart with passion and makes me feel proud of myself.
So what motivates me? I'm wanting to fill my life with the goodness of life, not so much the things. I want to feel proud at the end of my day - and life. For life is a finite thing, a journey that we must live, a day at a time.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
A New Year
A new year, fresh start - every year we get a chance to improve our lives with new habits and healthier ways.
Here's to a happy and healthy new year.
I have been taking some time off due to vision problems. Well, with one cataract surgery done, and one to go, I have clear vision in my right eye, and blurry vision in my left. I play a little game with myself called "vision check", when the two eyes aren't working together and annoy me - first I shut my right eye and my vision is blurry on the left. Then I open my right eye and close my left eye. Better! It's alot like having two different views of life - one is cloudy and confusing, the other is clear and sharp edged.
I was younger than the patients at the surgical center by about 10-20 years. I felt sad for some of them as I heard that they hadn't followed pre-op instructions (one lady was hungry and had an entire breakfast before she came in). They had medical issues that had to be addressed before the surgery could begin (elevated heart rates and blood pressure seemed to be a common theme). The nurses kept telling me how "perfect" my vital signs were, etc. and were amazed that I had no "issues". Of course, age makes a big difference. I was born with cataracts and they never bothered me much except for glare at night, until they decided to cloud this fall. I thought I just needed new glasses when my eyes were having trouble adjusting between close work and distance. Glare was becoming a HUGE issue and I stopped driving at night the last month before my eye surgery (headlights were too much). I even thought it was just my right eye that clouded until they removed that cataract and replaced it with an implanted lens. That's when I realized my left eye was pretty cloudy, too - just not as bad in comparison to the right (before surgery).
Okay, beyond the personal update, here's a thought - we all need regular eye checks, no matter what our age. If a parent is having eye problems, it is good to have a support person with them when they go to have it checked. I was fortunate to have no major health issues, understood my instructions for the surgery, followed them, made sure my paperwork was complete, etc. before arriving for surgery. The IV medication relaxed me so much that the surgeon had to remind me to focus on the light during the surgery.
Now, throw in some medical issues (Diabetes, hypertension, etc.), some confusion about the instructions, and the actual procedure (flat on my back for over an hour before the surgery as numerous eye medications were put in my right eye, my face scrubbed before the surgery, then draped with an opening for the operative eye, covering the rest of my face, and the worst part was the clamp thing that held my eye open) and I could see someone without my medical training, alone, confused - it would be difficult, at best. It was difficult for me, and I had researched the procedure and discussed it fully with two doctors before having it done. It was not the worst thing I've ever had done (a closed MRI comes to mind), but, I'm glad I only need it done twice.
So, if you know someone who is having it done - a neighbor, friend, relative, they really do need your support. It made me feel more comfortable knowing my husband was there for me in the waiting area. My youngest daughter watched over me that afternoon as I slept off the aftereffects of the IV med, and I had her to drive me to the first post op appointment the next morning.
Pain wasn't much of an issue - my eye was swollen and sore, but, Tylenol was enough to help me sleep. The eye shield was a pain for the week I had to wear it, but, I didn't poke myself in the eye when I was sleeping. My eye was sensitive to light, so the dark sunglasses helped alot. My one week post op visit, I was 90% healed, had almost 20/20 vision in my right eye, and now, after 2 1/2 weeks, except for the occasional slight irritation, when my eyes are tired, I look forward to the clearer vision in my left eye. It's like the difference between watching a regular, older TV and a HD television - amazing!
Here's to a happy and healthy new year.
I have been taking some time off due to vision problems. Well, with one cataract surgery done, and one to go, I have clear vision in my right eye, and blurry vision in my left. I play a little game with myself called "vision check", when the two eyes aren't working together and annoy me - first I shut my right eye and my vision is blurry on the left. Then I open my right eye and close my left eye. Better! It's alot like having two different views of life - one is cloudy and confusing, the other is clear and sharp edged.
I was younger than the patients at the surgical center by about 10-20 years. I felt sad for some of them as I heard that they hadn't followed pre-op instructions (one lady was hungry and had an entire breakfast before she came in). They had medical issues that had to be addressed before the surgery could begin (elevated heart rates and blood pressure seemed to be a common theme). The nurses kept telling me how "perfect" my vital signs were, etc. and were amazed that I had no "issues". Of course, age makes a big difference. I was born with cataracts and they never bothered me much except for glare at night, until they decided to cloud this fall. I thought I just needed new glasses when my eyes were having trouble adjusting between close work and distance. Glare was becoming a HUGE issue and I stopped driving at night the last month before my eye surgery (headlights were too much). I even thought it was just my right eye that clouded until they removed that cataract and replaced it with an implanted lens. That's when I realized my left eye was pretty cloudy, too - just not as bad in comparison to the right (before surgery).
Okay, beyond the personal update, here's a thought - we all need regular eye checks, no matter what our age. If a parent is having eye problems, it is good to have a support person with them when they go to have it checked. I was fortunate to have no major health issues, understood my instructions for the surgery, followed them, made sure my paperwork was complete, etc. before arriving for surgery. The IV medication relaxed me so much that the surgeon had to remind me to focus on the light during the surgery.
Now, throw in some medical issues (Diabetes, hypertension, etc.), some confusion about the instructions, and the actual procedure (flat on my back for over an hour before the surgery as numerous eye medications were put in my right eye, my face scrubbed before the surgery, then draped with an opening for the operative eye, covering the rest of my face, and the worst part was the clamp thing that held my eye open) and I could see someone without my medical training, alone, confused - it would be difficult, at best. It was difficult for me, and I had researched the procedure and discussed it fully with two doctors before having it done. It was not the worst thing I've ever had done (a closed MRI comes to mind), but, I'm glad I only need it done twice.
So, if you know someone who is having it done - a neighbor, friend, relative, they really do need your support. It made me feel more comfortable knowing my husband was there for me in the waiting area. My youngest daughter watched over me that afternoon as I slept off the aftereffects of the IV med, and I had her to drive me to the first post op appointment the next morning.
Pain wasn't much of an issue - my eye was swollen and sore, but, Tylenol was enough to help me sleep. The eye shield was a pain for the week I had to wear it, but, I didn't poke myself in the eye when I was sleeping. My eye was sensitive to light, so the dark sunglasses helped alot. My one week post op visit, I was 90% healed, had almost 20/20 vision in my right eye, and now, after 2 1/2 weeks, except for the occasional slight irritation, when my eyes are tired, I look forward to the clearer vision in my left eye. It's like the difference between watching a regular, older TV and a HD television - amazing!
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